A Pair of Odd Socks
by AphroditeInferno
Summary: Voldemort is lusting over a certain House Elf; but can the old Dark Lord put aside his maniacal plans for the object of his affections? What would come of such a relationship? Purely for laughs read this insane mess and discover.
1. A Change of Plans

Lord Voldemort starred wistfully into his bedroom mirror, his pale features returning his mournful gaze between the soft gilded framing.

"Tell me I'm pretty" He sighed, prodding a hollow cheek.

Malfoy and Severus were present and both found themselves fidgeting awkwardly.

"Very my lord."

"Oh, yes, extremely pretty."

"Like a dandelion." Replied Wormtail, who'd been eavesdropping from the doorway.

After a brief Crucio the senseless git was on his way. Lucius cleared his throat, deciding to make up for the miscalculation of his fellow Death Eater.

"My Lord, you seem as lovely as ever, there must be something else worrying you." He interjected silkily.

With a sigh Voldemort slumped onto a near by chaise lounge. Before answering he plucked a cherry from a fruit bowl perched on the arm and nibbled on it.

"Well, it's just-it just seems – it's just everyone's trying to kill me, all the time!"

"Not us my lord!"

"No not us!"

Voldemort ignored Severus and Lucius' indignant answers.

"I just think, with everyone wanting to kill me, he's been put off a bit and that's why he's not returning my owls."

Lucius' eyes widened, "you're not talking about-"

Severus swooped forward, coming to the same conclusion and his platinum blond friend.

"My Lord please, I thought we had moved beyond this…obsession, we put it all in the past, it's no good you lusting after…."

Voldemort broke down, burying his face in his hands.

"You can say it! Say his name!"

Severus sighed.

"Dobby."

Voldemort sprang from the lounge and pranced over to the towering windows, overlooking the Malfoy grounds.

"Ah Dobby!" He sighed, placing one pale hand against the frosted glass whilst the other clutched his chest.

"Dobby, Dobby, Dobby, ye sexy elf, how one will never know how my heart yearns for thee. BLAST!"

The two men still by the mirror jumped.

"He _toys _with me Severus!"

Voldemort turned back from the window.

"Y-yes my Lord."

The dark lord crumpled, curling up on the floor.

"Why does he toy with me?"

"He must love you too mu-"

"NO!" Voldemort glared "No, that isn't it, it's been too long, he's been at Hogwarts, seduced by that filthy bearded man, they're brain washing him against me!"

"I don't think-" Lucius was suddenly seized around his throat as Voldemort came at him.

"Quiet you! This is your fault, he was right here, I was courting him, and then _you_ went and let that Potter boy free him! Oh I hate that Potter boy! He just want's Dobby for him self, I knew it all along!"

Lucius nodded timidly, Severus had stayed stock still, knowing full well that when the dark Lord was in one of his moods, like this, it was best to go along with him.

"I'm sorry, Lucius, I don't really mean it." Cried Voldemort, tightening his grip.

"Not to worry my Lord, I take full responsibility for his departure." Lucius choked out past his blocked windpipe. Voldemort released him duly.

" I sent him seventy owls yesterday."

Severus groaned.

"You DIDN'T!"

"Well it doesn't matter because he didn't reply once! They all came back!" Voldemort pulled back the covers of his bed and seventy tear-stained envelopes gushed onto the floor.

Timidly Severus picked one up and opened it.

_Dear Dobby-Poo,_

_Elf of my heart, I could want no other._

_ Just me again, Voldemort, checking to see if you got any of my other forty-six messages? How have things been? I dreamt of you last night, you floated in through my window on a cloud, wearing nothing but socks made of cream, you came to me and told me you had killed Harry Potter and Dumbledore whom you never loved, you then let me cut you out of your skin and wear it like a jumpsuit. I long for the day you will make my dreams true. Come back to me Dobby. Come back._

_Your secret admirer_

It was worse than Severus could have imagined, he was too worried to read any more.

"My Lord you do realize Dobby couldn't reply to any of these for two very important reasons."

"What?" Sniffled Voldemort

"Well one, you haven't signed your name, just 'your secret admirer'"

"And?"

"And secondly, not meaning to be patronizing, but you're in _hiding _no owls can get in or out of the manor grounds."

Crossing his arms Voldemort pouted.

"Well that's just bloody Fudge's fault then! What does the ministry have against me anyway?"

"The muggle killings sir?" Croaked Malfoy whose throat was still sore

"Yes that but-"

"Use of illegal dark magic, evasion of arrest, several accounts of murder, running a terrorist organization, just generally prosing a threat to them my lord."

"Yes, right, shut-up, _Crucio._"

Lucius yelped.

"So, are you saying I should just stop all that!"

Severus and Lucius stumbled over their words

"N-No."

"Not exactly."

"Really"

"I mean"

"Couldn't-"

Voldemort's eye's brightened a luminescent crimson

"I should just stop it all! It was just a bit of fun any way, not achieving anything was I? I mean wiping out muggles! Lol Jokes!"

His followers nodded dumbly

"Right! It's all off! Tell everyone to stop killing and all that, there's a new mission, operation get Dobby to like me, Code…um...sexy elf!"

Voldemort flounced from the room.

"First job's to find me a hair dresser." He declared before leaving out of sight.

"Bags not!"

"-Bags not!...bullocks! Oh how am I supposed to tell the dark Lord he's bald without being Cruciode?"

"Not my problem Severus."

"I have two things to say to you Lucius _pink knickers_"

Lucius blushed. "Oh…right"

The wizards pondered for a moment.

"Make Draco do it." They said in unison. Grinning they left to find the poor boy.


	2. Severus Helps Voldemort Make a Potion

No One had seen Draco for three days; Lucius had left to find his missing son, which suited Voldemort just fine, it was the potions master he was in need of.

"This is the one I want Sevy, it will work perfectly."

"I don't think so my lord." Severus spoke in a whine

"Excuse me?"

"Sorry, lord, you're right, so Amortentia, huh?"

"It's the most powerful, I was thinking perhaps you could soup it up, make it stronger?"

"Stronger? You want me to make the Amortentia potion _stronger _when you intend to give it to a _house elf._"

"Could you?"

Severus starred at the maniac for a beat before letting out a slow exhausted sigh.

"I'll go get the Ashwinder Eggs shall I?"

Voldemort giggled, he'd never been so happy before in his life. He didn't know exactly when the strange attraction had come about, it had been some time before the nasty business with the Potters that saw him spending a good deal of time as a disembodied spirit.

Of course it had been before that, where a good few meetings had been held in the Malfoy manor. He'd seen the elf a few times and thought nothing of it, back then the likes of Dobby had been nothing to him but vermin, alas the house elf had a charm, the way he worked that decrepit pillow case, well it sparked something inside the dark lord that hadn't been sparked before.

One day Dobby had waddled over to the Lady Malfoy with her tea.

"Not during the meeting you _stupid _wretch."

She'd muttered. Oh how the elf had blanched, he muttered apologies and then, as though possessed had begun to whack his head on the nearest surface.

Well that just did it for Voldie; his line of thought was interrupted, in a daze his eyes locked onto the back and forth self-harm that seemed to be progressing in slow motion in front of him. All at once he had noticed the leather-like nature of the skin, the wide, bulging, panicked eyes, the alluring length of the nose, and he was in love.

Voldemort's fantasies got away with him, Severus had been working non-stop, sustaining himself with pepper-up potions as the day faded into night.

"It's taking awfully long Sevy-poo." Voldemort whined. Severus was impressed the dark Lord had stayed in the potions lab for so long and so let the insulting name slide.

"Yes, well my lord, although the regular Amortentia potion is in the capabilities of amateurs, pioneering a new version, even if just merely strengthened, is proving time consuming."

Severus continued stirring; sweat forming as he counted each turn. The ingredients the Dark Lord had obtained where of the finest quality, and mostly black-market, if he did this correctly, applying his vast knowledge the potion would indeed be strong, perhaps the strongest ever made.

It was nearly midnight and the potion was nearing the end.

"You may want to stuff your nose my Lord." Snape warned, applying paper wads up his own.

"No, no, I want to smell." Voldemort replied eagerly, coming over to the table. Finally steam began spiraling upward, dancing characteristically as the liquid became a mother of pearl sheen that was so bright Severus was momentarily blinded. He blinked, trying to see straight. When the room became clear, he found his Lord collapsed onto the floor.

The lord was giggling, rolling around like a maniac, rubbing his face.

"Socks, I smell…socks!" The smell was so strong it had sent the lord delirious; Snape had a bad feeling about it all.

"Now we must…um…personalize the potion to you."

Voldemort stopped giggling.

"Do you need one of my hairs?"

"Oh no you can, um, keep them, it will work best with your blood."

Voldemort got shakily to his feet and hovered his hand over the potion. With a moderated _sectumsempra _the Dark Lord's blood was added, the potion shone brighter then the sun. With a thump the Dark Lord fainted, managing to mutter "Socks." Before he hit the floor.


	3. A Potion Gone Wrong

The potion had been left to sit and because of its brightness, no one was able to enter the potions lab.

Lucius had found Draco and the good people a St. Mungo's had managed to put him mostly right again. Nonetheless the youth was not on speaking terms with his father or godfather who had got him into the situation to begin with.

For the past hour the Manor had begun receiving its guests, the Death Eaters closest to the Dark Lord shuffled in via the Floo network in the parlor. Narcissa's face had turned a charming shade of grey as she observed her carpets become soiled.

"This way, this way my most faithful followers, come along."

Voldemort waved his arms enthusiastically at the black-robed purebloods whom each shared a varying look of confusion. He lead them swiftly to a room decorated with throw pillows, going over to the largest he sunk down with a sigh.

"Join me my friends." He told them.

Hissing Nagini coiled around him, resting her reptilian head on his shoulder.

"Come now, don't be shy, make yourself comfortable, yes you too Rodolphus, don't be shy, she's your wife, she wont bite."

At that Bellatrix did indeed sink her teeth into her husband's robed arm and he darted to the other side of the room.

"Crouch, do come and sit by me, Nagini has become quite fond of you."

There was more extremely awkward shuffling as the Death eaters perched themselves among the rather extravagant décor.

"Right, so I've gathered you here to tell you I no longer have need of your services, I'm sorry but you all need to get real jobs and leave the poor muggles alone! I've had a sudden change of heart since falling in love with my one and only and soon he shall be mine and I want to have all this dark nonsense behind me."

Bellatrix Lestrange burst into tears, as did Fenrir. Crouch on the other hand went livid.

"You can't be serious my lord! You're joining the light?"

"What? No! EW!" Voldemort pulled a face.

"I'm not having anything to do with them, they're all so old and preachy and have you seen their taste in robes?"

"Then why are you abandoning the cause?" Goyle asked.

"For Dobby!" Voldemort cried out as if it were obvious.

"My old house elf." Lucius elaborated with a sigh. At this Bellatrix's wails increased tenfold.

"Oh shush everyone, I knew you'd all miss me dreadfully so I have arranged two surprises for you!"

Every death eaters face seemed to brighten and a few crooked smiles were flashed.

"First, gift bags!"

Small skin purses were past quickly around to everyone by Severus and Lucius which were taken eagerly.

"An the second." Voldemort announced standing up, benevolent grin on his face.

"IS ALL THREE FORBIDDEN CURSES FLYING AT YOU IF YOU DON'T GET OUT AND STOP KILLING MUGGLES!"

Everyone bolted out of the room.

"Oh and there'll be a tribute reunion next month! Bring your families!"

Voldemort smiled at the two remaining.

"I think that went well don't you? Now Lucius would you please summon your son?"

Lucius cringed.

"Certainly my lord." The older blonde escaped the room, Voldemort and Snape stood in awkward silence for several minutes until the father returned with his son.

"My lord." Draco addressed the psychopath.

"Draco my dear boy, I hope you know all is forgiven."

The blonde nodded.

"I assume you will be returning to Hogwarts for your sixth year?"

Draco nodded again.

"Then I have to bestow upon you an awesome responsibility, an almost impossible task that will determine not only the outcome for your family but the outcome of the entire Wizarding world."

Draco gulped.

"I have had Snape assist in my invention of a powerful love potion."

Snape barely suppressed a cough of dissatisfaction.

"There is a house elf residing at your school, in the kitchens I assume, I believe you are familiar with him and in any matter he is a freed elf."

Draco nodded again.

"I will give you three pints of this potion, be sure to give him as much as you can, once this is done, find a way to contact me and get me into the school, can you do that."

Draco looked extremely pale now.

"I suppose I'll have to."

"There's a good boy."

The following week Voldemort and his two friends were hanging out in the Floo room, waiting for news on Draco.

"I should get my eyebrows waxed."

Voldemort mused when there was a burst of green and soot covered Draco was standing in the fire.

"It's all gone terribly wrong!" He cried.

"Of course it has." His father muttered.

"Why? Is my Dobby hurt?"

"How did you get the potions to him?" Snape asked.

Trying to catch his breath Draco went with the easiest one first.

"Well finding the kitchens was easy enough, then I hid the potions in bottles of nettle wine. I gave them to the elf wearing a cravat and kimono and told him they were from scar head Potter."

"Well?" The three men prompted him.

"Well the creature went and drank them all down! He was all like 'oh what an honor it is receiving gifts from a wizard! Mustn't let him thinks they aren't appreciated' and when I tried to get him to slow down he bit me!"

Draco demonstrated an oozing blue bite upon his arm.

Snape and Lucius gasped. "Not a House Elf bite!" They rushed over to inspect it closer.

"Why is it bad?" Draco asked nervously.

Voldemort hadn't paid one jolt of attention however, for seconds his eyes had been as wide as saucers and fixed steadily upon the fire. It had flashed green again and in a boom of unaccounted for rock music a small figure emerged from it in silhouette.

As the figure strutted forward the unusual amount of dry ice cleared revealing _him! _Dobby, socks and all. (The "all" being a leather jacket and knitted briefs.)

"Dobby is here Voldie and he wants you!" The elf pointed aggressively at the dark lord.

A moment of shock ensued, Severus Lucius and Draco looked at the elf, then at the dark lord, then back to the elf. Their attention was finally snapped back to Voldemort as he smacked each of his hands against his face, one on either cheek, and let out one horrifying shriek.

Off he went, running from the room like a bullet. Soon the others were after him.

"What is wrong with you?" Snape asked desperately from his heels.

"I'm just not ready for this!" Voldemort sobbed, escaping through the Manor's front doors. They continued running to the gate.

"You can't run from me Voldie! Dobby does want you and Dobby does get what he wants!"

Voldemort screamed again, this time jumping into Snape's arms.

"APPARATE ME OUT OF HERE!"

His demand was met and they vanished mere inches out side the gate.

The elf was not deterred though, in their absence he stood still, catching his breath, his arms held defensive either side of him. His tennis-ball eyes narrowed and as they did an evil grin adorned his features.


	4. Escape! On the Knight Bus

A/N - This is the second last chapter and I just want to thank you Petricor-3 I didn't believe anyone would be cool enough to follow this story after the first chapter but you are! (All my friends who have read it have informed me I am sick) Please enjoy this and the last chapter, if it weren't for you I'd re-consider posting them (:

* * *

Snape had transported them to Australia, even the Malfoys.

Instantly they did as any sensible group of wizards on the run would do and disguised themselves.

The lederhosen was a bit tight, but all agreed with Snape that it was completely necessary, they walked through the muggle town, unnoticed the stupid muggles had no idea who was among them, save the ones whispering, "_that German guy looks like Voldemort_."

Stupid muggles.

Down the street they travelled, gaining confidence. Suddenly at the traffic lights, a woman with a pram stopped in front of them, looking at them with a blank expression.

"Move woman, we are on important business!" Voldemort declared.

"Sir I think you should stand back." Snape advised, motioning for Draco to inspect the pram. The boy did, slowly he lifted the blanket, only to reveal it to be empty.

They all looked upon it confused.

"SURPISE MUTHAFUCKAS!" Came a voice from above, they looked up in time to see Dobby free-falling, landing atop Voldemort.

The elf clung to the wizard's neck, trying to get around Voldemort's flailing and screaming to properly snog him.

"Stop. Fighting. Dobby. Is. HORNY FOR VOLDY!"

With one last scream Voldemort flung Dobby off himself and ran for it, followed by the others. They got a good distance away before apparating again.

Voldemort looked around. A woman twice anyone normal's size was screaming at a bus-driver for being late, cars were driving by tooting and a dirty man was asking then for "quarters"

Draco began to cry and Lucius cast Scourgify on himself.

"We need to leave immediately!" Voldemort demanded, gagging. Leave they did and they reappeared in a dense forest.

"Dobby needs Voldie! Dobby love Voldie! Dobby wants to kissssss Voldie! Dobby's coming!"

They couldn't see where the voice was coming from; it seemed to be in all directions at once, again they apparated.

This time they were surrounded by freezing ice, snow was falling in a blizzard.

"OUR NEW HOME!"

Voldemort declared over the howling winds and on doing so took the hands of his comrades.

Luckily he did because an Emperor penguin was fast approaching, an Emperor penguin who proved to have a long pointed nose and floppy ears.

Voldemort screamed and they all vanished again.

They re-appeared in Wizarding France, panting and miserable, their lederhosen were quite ruined.

"It's all over my lord, you must stop running."

Snape advised as a crowd began to form around them.

A look came over Voldemort's face.

"It's not over yet." He breathed. The man, the wizard, the lord. He walked out to the road and in a triumphant action held out his wand arm.

Mere seconds past and the purple double decker bus appeared.

"We are saved." He announced to his frostbitten friends. Quickly they clamored on.

"We are safe here." Voldemort announced again as they took their sofas and received mugs of cocoa. "The Knight bus."

"We will soon curse the driver and make sure the bus never stops, here we shall live, the rest of our days, free from the elf Severus and Draco poisoned. Consider this my gift to you my dear friends."

They sat back in their chairs, the others staring morosely into their cups as Voldemort downed his.

Minutes past and the bus had yet to slow down or approach a stop. Still Voldemort thought it safest to curse the driver anyway, no doubt there was an attendant or two somewhere he'd have to deal with and he'd like the main issue done with when the time came.

He moved closer until he was mere feet away from the driver and drew out his wand.

The shoulders his wand was pointed at began to shake. Was he discovered? The shaking grew and a low sound was heard. Voldemort recognized the sound. It was laughter, laughter, which became a manic cackle. The driver's head turned around to reveal under the hat, the house elf. Dobby!

Voldemort gasped it was all he could manage before Dobby shrieked.

"I'm here Voldie!"

And launched himself out of his seat.

Voldemort was knocked to the ground and straddled as Dobby captured him in a passionate kiss.

At first Voldemort tried to scream but soon he relaxed, and then, began to kiss back.

The Malfoys and Snape looked on with varying degrees of disgust.

The kiss heated up, causing moans and curses to issue from it. When a sock hit Snape squarely in his face it all came too much, he stood and screamed.

"ENOUGH!"

The elf and wizard looked at him accusingly.

"Erm…um…who's driving the bus?"

The elf sprung up, looking apologetic.

"Oh! Dobby is sorry! He is forgetting that buses don't drive them selves." He pulled a large lever and the bus stopped in what thankfully looked like Wizarding Britain.

"You can gets out now." Dobby told them and get out they did.

Dobby turned to Voldemort who was still sprawled on the bus floor, lips parted.


	5. Into the Sunset

"Dobby! You don't seem to be affected by the potion at all."

Dobby sprang down from the driver's seat, after setting the bus in motion again. He came toward the dark lord and snuggled up to him.

"Dobby was knowing what young master Draco was giving him, Dobby was also knowing that potion was from Voldemort."

"Then why did you drink it?"

"Two reasons, first House Elves are not being affected by Wizard potions you see? And second Dobby is receiving your letter."

"My letter?"

Dobby nodded and reached into his knitted briefs, soon he pulled out a funky piece of parchment.

"Letter 279." He announced, Voldemort smiled, he remembered that one well. It had some of the better quillwork.

_Dobby, epitome of sexiness,_

_My heart yearns for the day we can fuse together our skeletons and walk as one organism._

_Words cannot express how your large shiny eyes create tickles in my nether regions, or how I wish to do unimaginable things with your long pointed nose._

_The way you used to wear that scanty pillow case plagues my dreams at night, don't think I didn't notice you slip out your shoulder to entice me._

_You're the beast of my world Dobby and my heart won't beat properly until you're mine._

_Love your Voldie._

Elf and Lord sited the letter together, word for word until their eyes were misty. Joyously they embraced.

"What of the bus?" Voldemort asked, momentarily pulling away from the heat of the kiss.

"Dobby was lying. This bus is being able to drive itself."

Turned on tenfold by the Elf lying Voldemort re-commenced their kiss with a moan.

* * *

The following month the Knight bus parked in front of Malfoy Manor. It had been reported as missing, sighted in mysterious locations around the globe with what appeared to be faulty suspension and steamed windows.

The dark Lord was glad to see all his old followers convened for the reunion.

He introduced them all to Dobby in turn.

Eventually into the festive a Death Eater had the courage to wail.

"What of us now? Will you leave us again my lord?"

Voldemort smiled upon them benevolently.

"My followers of late. You will find in the room behind me all the answers you need and the tools that will lead you to your destiny. As for your latter question, yes Dobby and I must leave; our home is the Knight bus now. We travel the world and go wherever we are needed. Even now, our time lingering here is time too much."

Dobby took the wizards hand and they shared a meaningful look.

Several of the dark wizards sniffled as their lord left them, returning to his bus.

It was Goyle who had the courage to open the door to the room behind them, causing a collective gasp. T-shirts, guitars, amps, tambourines, bass', drums, a keyboard, microphones, a triangle, a harp and many more, everything had the color scheme of black-red-silver and the bright purple logo reading 'SNORLACK MASSACRE'.

It was brilliant, the message could not be any clearer; the Death Eaters were to bring Death-Metal music to the Wizarding world.

And that they did Snorlack Massacre became a worldwide sensation, producing the best Screamo sounds.

Their music was streamed relentlessly through one particular vehicle, a purple double-decker bus, on this evening had '_Heliopath Leader Minster Fudge!' _streaming out its windows as the seemingly broken suspension bounced erratically.

A family smiled as the bus, waving happily, having just been remedied from some ailment or disaster and as they did the sun set and the bus disappeared into the sinking orange light.

_THE END_


End file.
